I said that at the beginning of 2018 I was going to work on my self-care, and I didn't know at the time that spending less times in those "dirty, dusty rooms" was going to be a part of it, but I have realized that over the last few days. I need to spend less time caught up in my own head, because very little good ever comes of that. I have said before that the worst punishment I could give to anybody would be to force them to spend a day inside my head.
This, from a friend's Instagram, spoke to me today.
And I realized that I am. I am no longer reaching for the people who make/made me feel unworthy, unloved, inadequate and insignificant.
Letting go is huge for me-I hold on to stuff. And people. I have been purging a lot lately-both physically and emotionally, and it all has felt good. Physically picking something up and getting rid of it and being able to say, "WHY was I holding on to this?" has been good for me. At the same time I realized that if I'd tried to purge some of that stuff years ago I wouldn't have been able to do it. It really needs to come in its own time-and I need to be more mindful of that. I can't force myself to "just get over it," or to "just move forward" with certain things, either physical or emotional. The same applies with people in my life-I can realize for a while that friendships and relationships are unhealthy for me, but its not until I really have that "aha" moment that I am able to sever those ties and walk away.
Sometimes it took being made to feel all of those things in the worst way to get to that point, though. It took a long time of banging my head against the wall and wondering why I had a headache. I know it was frustrating to my friends and family to keep hearing me talk about the same things-to continually need support for the same problems. I'm sure they were wondering, "why can't she just walk away?" Because sometimes its not that simple.
But it has become. And the peace I feel in knowing I am finally in control of my feelings and finally in control of my boundaries, and able to set those things to how I need them to be, is amazing. Its unbelievable to have that calm. Especially when I didn't think I ever would. It wasn't that long ago, with certain people I thought things would never change, and that was how things were "meant" to be. No, this is how things are MEANT to be NOW.
"What's the cost of trying to find out who we are?"-BNL
I also realized that I will never be a part of certain things and that's okay. I will never be part of certain "inner circles" of people and that's okay too. I don't need to be anymore. I don't need that inclusion to know who my friends are. I have realized that I am just as valuable as a friend as the people in those circles and even if I am friends with a person who IS in those circles, it doesn't mean I need to be in it to be that one person's friend.
There was this, also from a friend's Instagram. It fits along with everything else. I am no longer watering the dead plants. They are being acknowledged for their lifelessness and being allowed to decompose properly.
This too is hard for me, especially with social media. I hold Facebook to some weird friendship standard. So if somebody wasn't responding to me, but had answered seemingly everybody else's remarks / comments / posts, it made me wonder what I'd have done or if they just don't like me anymore. It would send me to certain people's pages to check and see if we were still friends, and then upon finding out we were, the paranoia would set in. Did I say something? Did somebody else say something? Did I do something that could have been misconstrued or misinterpreted?
Social media is a fickle beast, though. It provides a medium through which people can passive-aggressively end friendships and not ever have to come out and say they don't like somebody anymore or don't want to talk to somebody anymore. Its not like how it used to be when people were forced to express themselves and explain things in person-so tone could be interpreted and fewer feelings could be hurt by over-reading-into what somebody wrote.
Feeling wronged? Just stop commenting on their posts. Facebook's algorithms (unfortunately) will likely cover your ass. Really feeling wronged? Don't answer their comments on your posts. Be warned though, "oh, I didn't see it" when you've answered everybody else's comments but that one person's will only go so far for so long. Eventually you will be found out. My hope is that people are then honest-it takes a lot of balls to admit to someone that you don't want to be their friend anymore and explain what they have done that has upset you.
"California 37" is speaking to me. Gratitude, hard work.
I need to find my 37 reasons.