Saturday, February 3, 2018

I spend too much time in these dirty, dusty rooms...

That is a line from a Barenaked Ladies song, and I think it is a perfect metaphor for spending too much time lost in our own heads.

I said that at the beginning of 2018 I was going to work on my self-care, and I didn't know at the time that spending less times in those "dirty, dusty rooms" was going to be a part of it, but I have realized that over the last few days. I need to spend less time caught up in my own head, because very little good ever comes of that. I have said before that the worst punishment I could give to anybody would be to force them to spend a day inside my head.

This, from a friend's Instagram, spoke to me today.
And I realized that I am. I am no longer reaching for the people who make/made me feel unworthy, unloved, inadequate and insignificant. 
Letting go is huge for me-I hold on to stuff. And people. I have been purging a lot lately-both physically and emotionally, and it all has felt good. Physically picking something up and getting rid of it and being able to say, "WHY was I holding on to this?" has been good for me. At the same time I realized that if I'd tried to purge some of that stuff years ago I wouldn't have been able to do it. It really needs to come in its own time-and I need to be more mindful of that. I can't force myself to "just get over it," or to "just move forward" with certain things, either physical or emotional. The same applies with people in my life-I can realize for a while that friendships and relationships are unhealthy for me, but its not until I really have that "aha" moment that I am able to sever those ties and walk away.
Sometimes it took being made to feel all of those things in the worst way to get to that point, though. It took a long time of banging my head against the wall and wondering why I had a headache. I know it was frustrating to my friends and family to keep hearing me talk about the same things-to continually need support for the same problems. I'm sure they were wondering, "why can't she just walk away?" Because sometimes its not that simple. 
But it has become. And the peace I feel in knowing I am finally in control of my feelings and finally in control of my boundaries, and able to set those things to how I need them to be, is amazing. Its unbelievable to have that calm. Especially when I didn't think I ever would. It wasn't that long ago, with certain people I thought things would never change, and that was how things were "meant" to be. No, this is how things are MEANT to be NOW.

"What's the cost of trying to find out who we are?"-BNL

I also realized that I will never be a part of certain things and that's okay. I will never be part of certain "inner circles" of people and that's okay too. I don't need to be anymore. I don't need that inclusion to know who my friends are. I have realized that I am just as valuable as a friend as the people in those circles and even if I am friends with a person who IS in those circles, it doesn't mean I need to be in it to be that one person's friend.


There was this, also from a friend's Instagram. It fits along with everything else. I am no longer watering the dead plants. They are being acknowledged for their lifelessness and being allowed to decompose properly.

This too is hard for me, especially with social media. I hold Facebook to some weird friendship standard. So if somebody wasn't responding to me, but had answered seemingly everybody else's remarks / comments / posts, it made me wonder what I'd have done or if they just don't like me anymore. It would send me to certain people's pages to check and see if we were still friends, and then upon finding out we were, the paranoia would set in. Did I say something? Did somebody else say something? Did I do something that could have been misconstrued or misinterpreted? 

Social media is a fickle beast, though. It provides a medium through which people can passive-aggressively end friendships and not ever have to come out and say they don't like somebody anymore or don't want to talk to somebody anymore. Its not like how it used to be when people were forced to express themselves and explain things in person-so tone could be interpreted and fewer feelings could be hurt by over-reading-into what somebody wrote.
Feeling wronged? Just stop commenting on their posts. Facebook's algorithms (unfortunately) will likely cover your ass. Really feeling wronged? Don't answer their comments on your posts. Be warned though, "oh, I didn't see it" when you've answered everybody else's comments but that one person's will only go so far for so long. Eventually you will be found out. My hope is that people are then honest-it takes a lot of balls to admit to someone that you don't want to be their friend anymore and explain what they have done that has upset you. 

"California 37" is speaking to me. Gratitude, hard work. 
I need to find my 37 reasons.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Just. Fucking. Really?

I titled this post that because I have found myself uttering that phrase way too much here lately. Whether that's because of others' douchey behavior or just my reaction to stuff, it has crept out several times. Several, several times.

Jealousy is an ugly emotion. And a very real one. Its one I have to learn to process better, rather than just acknowledging when I'm experiencing it and then being like "screw this stupid emotion I'm not dealing with it" and it making me angry.

I am so tired of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Y'all know we're wanting to move because there is ZERO job opportunity here. None. So... we're applying for jobs in other parts of the country. Makes sense, right? Right. Only... in order to get to the interviews for those jobs, we need to have what? Say it with me... MONEY. Where does money come from? A job. What are there none of here? Fucking jobs. See the dilemma?

UPDATE TWO YEARS LATER 01-30-18:
Nothing has changed. No jobs, no money, same pattern, same shit, different day, two years later.

Reading Challenge 2015 Final Update

*Reading Challenge 2015*
A book with more than 500 pages-
A classic romance-
A book that became a movie-Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by JK Rowling
A book published this year-The Crossing by Michael Connelly
A book with a number in the title-
A book written by someone under 30-
A book with nonhuman characters-Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by JK Rowling
A funny book-Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain
A book by a female author-A is for Alibi by Sue Grafton
A mystery or thriller-B is for Burglar by Sue Grafton
A book with a one-word title-
A book of short stories-Face Off edited by David Baldacci
A book set in a different country-
A nonfiction book-Jailhouse Doc by William Wright, MD
A popular author's first book-Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by JK Rowling
A book from an author you love that you haven't read yet-Diary of a Wimpy Kid #10, Old School by Jeff Kinney
A book a friend recommended-Mad Magic by Sheri Williams
A Pulitzer Prize winning book-
A book based on a true story-
A book at the bottom of your to-read list-
A book your Mom loves-
A book that scares you-
A book more than 100 years old-
A book based entirely on its cover-The Great Chicken Debacle by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
A book you were supposed to read in school but didn't-
A memoir-Maximum Insecurity by William Wright, MD
A book you can finish in a day-
A book with antonyms in the title-
A book set somewhere you've always wanted to visit-Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by JK Rowling
A book that came out the year you were born-
A book with bad reviews-
A trilogy-
A book from your childhood-Bunnicula by James & Deborah Howe
A book with a love triangle-Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by JK Rowling
A book set in the future-
A book set in high school-Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by JK Rowling
A book with a color in the title-One Sheep, Blue Sheep
A book that made you cry-
A book with magic-Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by JK Rowling
A graphic novel-
A book by an author you've never read before-
A book you own but have never read-
A book that takes place in your hometown-Images of America, South Bethlehem-compiled by the Bethlehem Area Public Library
A book that was originally written in a different language-
A book set during Christmas-The Magical Christmas Horse by Mary Higgins Clark
A book written by an author with your same initials-
A play-
A banned book-
A book based on or turned into a TV show-
A book you started but never finished-Life & Death by Stephenie Meyer

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Reading Challenge Update-09*30*2015

*Reading Challenge 2015*
A book with more than 500 pages-
A classic romance-
A book that became a movie-
Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix-JK Rowling
A book published this year-
A book with a number in the title-
A book written by someone under 30-
A book with nonhuman characters-
Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets-JK Rowling
A funny book-
Kitchen Confidential-Anthony Bourdain
A book by a female author-
A mystery or thriller-
A is for Alibi-Sue Grafton
A book with a one-word title-
A book of short stories-
A book set in a different country-
A nonfiction book-
Jailhouse Doc-William Wright, MD
A popular author's first book-
Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone-JK Rowling
A book from an author you love that you haven't read yet-
A book a friend recommended-
Mad Magic-Sheri Williams
A Pulitzer Prize winning book-
A book based on a true story-
A book at the bottom of your to-read list-
A book your Mom loves-
A book that scares you-
A book more than 100 years old-
A book based entirely on its cover-
The Great Chicken Debacle-Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
A book you were supposed to read in school but didn't-
A memoir-
Maximum Insecurity-William Wright, MD
A book you can finish in a day-
A book with antonyms in the title-
A book set somewhere you've always wanted to visit-
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows-JK Rowling
A book that came out the year you were born-
A book with bad reviews-
A trilogy-
A book from your childhood-
Bunnicula-James & Deborah Howe
A book with a love triangle-
Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince-JK Rowling
A book set in the future-
A book set in high school-
Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban-JK Rowling
A book with a color in the title-
One Sheep, Blue Sheep
A book that made you cry-
A book with magic-
Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire-JK Rowling
A graphic novel-
A book by an author you've never read before-
A book you own but have never read-
A book that takes place in your hometown-
Images of America, South Bethlehem-BAPL
A book that was originally written in a different language-
A book set during Christmas-
The Magical Christmas Horse-Mary Higgins Clark
A book written by an author with your same initials-
A play-
A banned book-
A book based on or turned into a TV show-
A book you started but never finished-

**And as so many others have said… there are about 30 books I have read that don’t fit anywhere on this fucking list.**

Testing

This is a test. This is only a test. My fonts are looking jacked up to me when I looked at my blog both via my own Google account and via Mimi’s. So this post was done in Word and copied/pasted over. To test. That is all.


Further testing. Baby J is having his second bath of the day. He loves them. He often takes 2 or 3 a day.

Friday, April 10, 2015

30 Day Blog Challenge-#26-Birth

I am obviously going out of order, but because that phrase about sums up the rest of my life, I don't see anything wrong with it.

I wanted to do "birth" today because today is my birthday. I obviously don't remember the morning I was born, nor the night before, but I have heard the stories from my parents and my Godmother. I know that my parents had eaten supper at my grandparents' (Grandmom & Grandpop, my dad's parents) house that night and my mom started to feel bad afterwards. The Oscars were on that night and I have started watching them (at least partly) each and every year for as long as I can remember. She went into labor and I was born at 950am the next morning, Tuesday, April 10, 1979.
That makes me 36 today.

"Birth" is defined as "the time when a baby comes out from the body of its mother" and "the beginning or origin of something." (Merriam Webster online)
While I think the second definition is both interesting and over-used in some instances, it is not the one I will be focusing on.

Have y'all seen those neat pictures of babies born en caul? It seems to happen more often with c-section babies, but today I saw a picture of a baby who was born vaginally that was en caul. How neat is that!

I remember the births of three of my five children.

First Mimi and Liz-
When Mimi was born, July 20, 1997, I remember getting an email from Jason's dad, with a picture of Mimi being held by Jason's mom and all of Mimi's stats. I printed saved that picture, wrote her stats on it and it is in the baby book I made for Mimi. So I count myself as remembering hers-I was made aware of it just moments after it happened.
When Lizzie was born, June 19, 2000, I remember getting the announcement card from Becky & Jason, and seeing her name. Then not thinking much of it, and later hearing her called Sissy and thinking "what kind of nickname is that for a little girl named Elizabeth?"

Alex, Bub & J-
Alex was born in room 138 of the Maternal-Child Health Center/Birthing Center at Day Kimball. I had had a tour of MCH when I was pregnant with her, as part of my prepared childbirth classes that I had taken. I got to see room 134 and thought it was beautiful. Wood floors, floor-to-ceiling window, large private bathroom. I also saw the nursery and the family room and got to peek into the OR if (for whatever reason) I needed a c-section when she was born.
I went into labor with her around 2am on Wednesday, March 15, 2006. When my mom got up for work around 6, she told me I must be having Braxton-Hicks contractions, because "first babies are never early!" She was born 18-ish hours later, at 958pm. I'll spare you the gory details, but I remember all of it. The pain, the sick, the blood, the dizzy, the spilled milk, the yellow baby. My midwife was off that day-she didn't work Wednesdays, but rather than just coming in to deliver Alex (or worse! passing me off to a coworker) she came in right after I got to the hospital and stayed the whole day with me. She sat in my room and talked to me at first, then changed into scrubs and helped me as labor progressed. She was wonderful. And when she moved to Vermont when I was about 30 weeks pregnant with Sebastian, my heart was broken.
The one thing I will share is that the night after Alex was born, there was a childbirth class in MCH. Alex was the only baby in the nursery that had been born the previous day. There were others, but they had just been born hours earlier, so the nurses asked me if they could use her for the bath demonstration for the childbirth class. I said yes, of course, and we walked from our room into the nursery and the nurse teaching the class gave her a bath while the class looked on. I got to sit in a rocking chair and watch.
We went home the next day.
Sebastian (Bub) was born in room 137 of MCH on Monday, March 23, 2009. I had wanted to be in room 136, since it was the biggest, but it wasn't ready when I got there. 137 was. I still don't know exactly what made 137 "ready" and not 136, given as I was the only one in there, with the exception of a girl in the triage room.
Anyhow... we had had Alex's 3rd birthday party the weekend before (on her birthday, the 15th, which was my 40 week mark) and I remember thinking to Sebastian, "please, please just stay in there until we're done with her party. You can come later tonight, even if I have to deliver you at 2am." He was stubborn and stayed in until my induction date, the 23rd. I was skeptical about being induced, because I really felt strongly that babies should pick their own birthdate, they shouldn't be forced to be born due to medicines. But when the nurse checked me before they started the medicines, I had dilated to 2, when previously (like 3 days previously) I had been a finger tip. So I knew Sebastian was coming on that day anyway, it was just a matter of helping him along. He was born at 728pm that night. Jason almost missed it! He was going to leave and grab some food, but the midwife figured to check me first, and found Sebastian's head! So that put a quick stop to him leaving. I ended up with a spinal headache after he was born and the next 3 days were excruciating. We finally got it to go away on the Friday after he was born with crazy amounts of Mountain Dew! No fun and not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
And Baby J. Jason Junior. He deserves a quick mention, because he's the Goob, but he's one who's birth I don't remember. All I remember is the Versed and then Jason showing me a picture, and me asking him if that was my baby. Oddly enough I remember, one of the days after he was born (but before the thoracotomy), my surgeon Dr A standing in the room with Dr Hurd, my OB, and Dr A saying to Dr Hurd that he "should probably deliver that baby if we're going to do a thoracotomy in the next day or two." I still had the belly, and surgeons tend to be a little self-involved, so... but Dr Hurd just graciously said that the baby had already been delivered.

Something else that came to my memory while I was writing this...
I once worked in a women & children's program. We had several clients that would come to us pregnant and deliver their babies while in our care. The hospital was nearby so it made transportation easy when we had a woman in labor. The staff of the women & children's program would make a point to visit the women in the hospital and see the newborn baby before they came back to the program. However, we always had to do this in secret (even in our off time) because the Program Director forbade it. It wasn't in the official rules/staff handbook that we couldn't, he just didn't think it was a good idea. I never understood why, as the majority of our clients came from the other side of the state and often couldn't have anybody in the delivery room with them. The only way it would happen was in the case of an induction or a planned c-section.
I always wonder if he ever found out that I was in the delivery room with one of my clients when she actually gave birth. It was the first time I had seen a baby born before and it was a magical experience. It was an HONOR to be there for her.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

30 Day Blog Challenge

Hello ladies & germs;

A page I follow on FaceBook (The Snarky Hippie) has started a 30-day blog challenge. I am going to start it on March 01.
Here is the list of topics if anybody is interested in hanging with me on it-

1. Breathe
2. Snow
3. Laundry
4. Contentment
5. Peaceful Parenting
6. Faeries
7. Strawberries
8. Beginning
9. Empath
10. Vaccinations
11. Grief
12. Toddlers
13. Thundersnow
14. Friendship
15. Bathrooms
16. Trust
17. Grace
18. Pitbulls
19. Rainbows
20. Organized
21. Transcend
22. Indigo
23. Creation
24. Lifeboat
25. Pregnancy
26. Birth
27. Leprechauns
28. Brave
29. One
30. Impact